Scottish Cup Definitive Ratings – Celtic v The Wild Bunch

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v THE WILD BUNCH..

“Men of God and men of war have strange affinities.” – Judge Holden, Blood Meridian.

VINDALOO – 6/10 – Save of the season, to howler of the season…I’m all for the goalkeepers’ union and stuff like that, but Vinny was stretching the brotherly love by attempting to make former Celtic youth Mullen feel better with a double blindside of his own. His all-round handling and punching couple with that blinding stop from an 8-yard bullet header balanced out his near-fatal howler, but let’s hope it’s lesson truly learned.

TONY THE TIGER – 8/10 – All the way home, streets littered with weeping Playstation FIFA virgins lying in the gutters, smashing their controllers against the kerb, beseeching in angst the heavens above, “Why!? Why? He’s Colin Nish…” Never bet against The Brickie. Twenty-six minutes in, CRUNCH! – the 50-50 winning tackle of the season and something we’ve sorely lacked. Twenty minutes later a marvel of the ages as he blisters the paintwork with an Exocet ripping in-off the bar to put us two up and cruising. It should have been his deserved winner but even after the capitulation he was still at it with ferocity and a disturbing commitment the Manson Family would have envied. Scarcely used, online abused, but there in the jersey he’s cherished all his young life, to be counted, and to battle for the cause. Magnficent.

KATIE – 5/10 – Strangely cautious, and at times timid. The powerhouse KT seemed in reserve and the troubled KT couldn’t make his mind up whether to stick or twist. When he did opt for positivty, chances got created. But for much of his involvement he was far too conservative.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – Always a tough shift up against two leviathans. For the most part he’d handled it well with combative aerial jousts and good positioning. But with lapses came the collapses. Those little moments, being out-jumped, and half asleep at the very death of the 90, proved costly, though ultimately not fatal.

PENDRAGON – 5.5/10 – Really, the above could be copy-pasted here. He maybe got too comfortable in his youthful conceit, believing the game done. Imagine his surprise when a hopeful clunk forward caught him ambling upfield like the doped glue-factory bound donkey I backed in the Scottish National yesterday (‘King Of Answers’? King Of Flaming Arses, more like…), two-yards behind our defensive line and burned for pace by their scorer. Wake up, kid, there’s a title and cup to be won before you skoosh back down to the comfort of EPL nonentities.

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – A tough call, hooking your skipper with 20 minutes to go; Only confirms he’s never 100%. But for his part today the control he exerted through the majority of his presence was Calmac of lore, positive, urgent and looking comprehensive – like the win – until he faded.

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – Arne of authority and confidence is the young player of continental repute we splashed out for. He brought that to the game today and as he and Calmac tied up the middle, we buzzed. Tired at an inopportune period, unfortunately. Though I reckon he could have seen out the 90. But the hell do I know? Or you, who was nodding in agreement there…

An incredible six minute burst from Celtic in extra time delivered four goals and a spot in the #ScottishCup final 🍀

Take a closer look at the pitchside view of Benjamin Nygren’s goal to make it 6-2 and just how much it meant to him and his teammates 🎥 pic.twitter.com/LyLE0mxwjE

— Premier Sports (@PremSportsTV) April 20, 2026

NEGAN – 5/10 – There’s always one. Just when it looks good, synchronicity returning, a rhythm being struck up at last…Some chump busts a link in the chain. Today, after promising interactions all first 45, Negan wavered, lost his way, and lost his potencty through the second half torment. As Calmac and Arne drained, he pulled a Lord Lucan and even the thermal-imaging equipped CIA drone Fozzy brings to games couldn’t locate him. Then he pops up in ET to notch his ubiquitous goal and confuse everyone even further.

YING – 6/10 – I’d said we could do with a little more quality to his all-energy input. Sometimes he’s lit the park up with some instinctive flair. Today it was nearly a header of Larssonesque execution, leaping so high he set a new Korean record and is now referered to in his homeland as ‘Air Jordan Yang’. The damn bar denied him a classic but his commitment was deserving of praise if not a guaranteed starting jersey.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 8.5/10 MOTM – Chuck Norris lives! Relentless, merciless, and seemingly limitless; stil chasing back to his own corner flag, 6-2 up with five minutes of extra time to play. This was legendary Daizen, from the opening minute when he helped their glaikit netminder nail down ‘Least Aware SPL Goalkeeper Of The Decade’ award, to that late extra-curricular dogged hunt. There’s no off-switch when’s he’s vibing on this frequency. His only adversary is death itself, and the Grim Reaper hasn’t got the pace to catch him. We’ve had four seasons of the Samurai enigma and I doubt there’ll be a fifth, but what a glorious fanfare it may be if he can produce six last hooped rampages like yesterday.

TUTANKHAMUN – 3/10 – Ach, said there’s always one about Negan. Well, forgot there were two today. And Tunisian Mikey J actually outdid Negan for visibility. Or, rather, invisibility. Frustratingly and depressingly inept when he found himself in good positions. Nearly reaching a pay-to-play clause in his contract with these displays…

SUBS –

ITCHYCOO PARK – 7.5/10 – A striker! A flaming striker. Half-fit and beset by ongoing injury worries, there’s no substitute for natural talent. But he was THE substitute for matchwinning lethality. Timing of jump to notch the third, pure quality of awareness, feet, and strike to clip in the fifth. A proper goalscorer, as hinted at by this James Hunt last week. Our only natural born killer. His deployment between now and 23rd May might be the difference between trouble or double.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6/10 – Alright, thank Luke, Matthew, Mark and Elton John for his Stuttgart-reprise killer fourth. He’d loped in lightweight and outmuscled for the last 20 of normal time but his ability told in measures
once their legs gave.

JAMESY – 7/10 – All rise for Jamesy. Skirts usually, but today he was lauded by the hooped legions’ standing ovation for yet another veteran and legendary stint to rescue the tie and inspire the toiling Bhoys to a crushing win. Wing play in its purest form, zip, intensty and innovation provided by the Prestwick Pele at precisely the right time. There are tales told in the old seaside town’s pubs of legends and myths and of swashbuckling, derring-do. And the thread through them all, a mysterious, shadowy figure responsible for those heroic exploits…No, no Jamesy, you idiots. Probably a pirate. Jamesy’s far too busy entertaining for all that adventure nonsense.

SCRATCHY – N/A – Sporting the mullet-cut of Uruguayan mountain caballeros who would ride out of Montevideo in the 1850s, scalp-hunting renegade apaches and commanches across monumental rocky crags and epic valleys of the Sierras De Maldonado. His ferverent, unhinged energy compliments a left-wing Daizen perfectly and gives us a potent late-game combo to utilise against tiring opposition.

NEVILLE – 5.5/10 – Fair play to The Ox for maintaining a solo presence after being thrown into an over-run middle and asked to contend with their eager, sinewy hyper thugs out to find an equaliser. Which they did. Though no real fault of his.

GREAT – N/A – Didn’t realise the kid was on until he was trying back-heels in their box. Had fun.

FATHER MARTIN AND SAMWISE GANGEE – 6/10 – Sort of got away wth one, if you ask me. The double-dip hook of Calmac and Arne in the same swoop dismantled our midfield dominance. Although they were fading, their superior quality of footballing ability was affording us control and compensating for the disappearance of Negan. Throwing in Luke and The Ox, only one of whom is a competent holding midfield player, gave St.Mirren the energy and momentum advantage for those closing minutes resulting in the equaliser. Further subs redressed the balance and eventually won the tie. But it looked like we were falling wrong side of the knife edge before the tsunami of goals gave the old bhoy a final professional management game to savour.

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Hmm, linesman who gives imaginary corners, wee Matthew In The Middle reticent to book, implementing double jeopardy rules for a few dubious ‘challenges’. But there was no overt shenanigans as they sat back and watched yet another Celtic implosion nearly pay the goat-hire bill at the ludge, only for the unexpected to happen and us take the match from their claws with a four-goal flurry. Enjoy watching the final, Zombies.

OVERALL – 7/10 – Aaand, SUDDENLY… Well, it was a semi, and they say just win at any cost. That cost shouldn’t mean chucking a two goal lead, but nothing much is surprising in this season of seasons where we’ve posted record lows of points, wins and goals, cannot kill a game, and yet still find ourselves in line for a double. So the Bhoys got there any which way they can, after taking a ‘right turn, Clyde’ (see what I did there, classic Clint Eastwood movie fans?) down extra-time alley when the 90 looked confidently sewn up for a while.

After the depressing concession of a normally insurmountable lead, the utter BLITZ with which we hit them elicited admiring whistles from the Luftwaffe. THAT’S the formula we need to replicate for five more league games to sweep the title away from the Kissing Klan Kousins and carry it into what would be a fantastic and glorious Saturday for the ages in May.

For the first – and the last – time this season, get on it properly, Celtic.

Go Away Now

Sandman

Here are the Premier Sports highlights from Celtic’s 6-2 win over St Mirren at Hampden yesterday afternoon…

Post your own thoughts in the comments section below…

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