Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic at the Corleone’s Country House

SUBS –

YING – 8/10 – Probably the greatest impact on Paisley since the comet that wiped out the dinosaurs somehow made it prettier. Or since the Feegie Cartel were run out of the Paisley Ponderosa b’ Teensy McFleckye and the Dykebar Lez Crew. TWO exceptional headers from the Sutton paradigm – jaw-droppingly executed by, well, a wee winger guy…PLAY HIM DOON THE MIDDLE! Not only that, but a hat-trick denied by exuberance that had him wander offside before a spectacular finish. Then, a wicked whipped pass to assist Daizen in for the fourth.

The night turned into ‘Yangsta’s Paradise’. In Paisley. The irony.

We knew he was trying damn hard, and on the verge of winning us over. But this is too much; like 1967’s Raquel Welch turned up at my door after the game, dazzled with a smile, turned, lifted her dress, bent over to reveal her peachy bare ass; two words written, one on each cheek: ‘FAE YANG’

NOTEBOOK – N/A – Come on, got booed by the lobotomy crew in the home stand; made their night.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 7/10 – Nae luck, Luke. But, look, that’s more like it, Luke – a save, an incredible block on the line and a rattled upright was his fine contribution, and poor luck.

OF JUSTICE – 5/10 – Jeez-oh, Liam looked rusty; and that’s not ginger aesthetic prejudice… The Barndarigg Beckenbauer didn’t like the surface or the pace he faced; conceded a clumsy foul for their equaliser, couldn’t quite get his passing game up to scratch; generally an uncomfortable trip down Escobar County.

KENNY JOHNNY – N/A – Pitched in at the very death of the game without a kick of the ball to collect a win bonus. Stepped onto the field at the MIB’s intake of breath for the final whistle; ironically managing the same overall input as Idah.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continues on the next page…