Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Lokomotiv Leith

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v LOKOMOTIV LEITH…

“You get in there, you get the job done and you get the hell out.” – Tom Petty.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 7/10 – Kasper to the rescue – sneaky Mibbery facilitates an early Hibs sting but he’s more switched-on than Brendan’s sun-bed and pulls off a terrific stop. Maintained the focus of the backline with his indomitable presence; the sort of personality goalkeeper required in tricky matches like these to see you over the line. Has segued in from Big Joe with a seamless transition.

 

SCHLUPPTHE ‘RA – 7/10 – Big Jeff’s a keeper; not the Kasper kind, Jamesy (‘Naw, he’s a full-back…’), but a clear must-sign in the summer. Of course, he’s got to be willing. But on form like he’s shown, we surely will be offering. Gives us an athletic physical option as well as the skill; almost a hybrid of player style in-between Greggs and KT. His major attribute is the mirroring of AJ’s supporting bursts, relentless wing-backery that wears down opponents. That was his outstanding contribution today, taking the Hibees right flank to task and winning a war of attrition.

WAYNE GRETZKY – 7.5/10 – ‘As with the left, so shall it be on the right’, said the Lord Larsson. The scriptures don’t lie (much…) and AJ fulfilled the prophecies again with a storming right-side display. Tireless running and fearless conflict; dream for wingers to play with.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 6/10 – Makes me nervous at times because of his jersey collection – always looking to add to it by pulling the shirt off his direct opponent; a gift for the MIBs up here. It’s a habitual  thing he does that grates my teeth like fingers down a chalkboard. I know it’s part of handling imposing front threats but if I’m spotting it, the VAR monkeys will soon be fapping over it. Apart from that he did reasonably well to contain a robust frontline; presumably mentored throughout by CCV.

GET CARTER – 7/10 – 150 games, 150 scalps. Today, Bowie got knifed…Was a bit of vengeance for the Big Mhan after Edamboorg’s loss and with his Trusty sidekick he set about making amends with a no-nonsense approach to Hibs danger. Testament to his concentration levels that even as we lapsed the defence was never breached, and CCV had the presence of body and mind to quell their pacy counters too.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Baffling replacement of the skip on 75 minutes had me worried – injured? He’d just put together a delightful interaction around their box with Reo to set up Big Jeff for a close call. Suddenly the metronome ticked off and we looked a bit rudderless. Previous to that it was all going as per usual; nearly added to his goal tally early on with another blinder from out the box, well saved. And when there’s a hint
of the unpredictable brewing – as with many cup-ties when the opposition’s got nothing to lose – his calm controlling influence is required to see you through. Let’s hope nothing serious is up.

THE TERMINATOR – 6.5/10 – Kind of waiting for Arne to fire up all game; looking for the special moments of influence. But he was more competent than cavalier, pinged a few sweet balls but played the percentages more often; especially when he dropped deep to fill the Calmac role and see the game out. That’s professionalism, doubters.

HAKUNA HATATE – 8/10 MOTM – Yeah, a couple of loose passes first-half and the whingers got another reason than the bright sunshine to screw up their faces. But if you know Reo, that’s just him finding his touch and range… Consistently involved in practically everything, kept the tempo flowing, looked dangerous every time he drifted into view, got that half-turn on receipt of the ball and turned momentum into menace; Scorched a cracking school playground ‘swerver’ on half time that their keeper made a blinding save to keep out; put Kuhn in with a sumptuous ball only to be foiled by a last-ditch tackle…He was the torment to their disciplined lines that they finally could not contain; had them ragged, frantic and defensive-minded last ten. Which was a big factor in preventing any sort of unwanted pressure and equaliser.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

NOTEBOOK – 6.5/10 – Light it up, Georgie bhoy! Took a while but when he had his mojo sizzling we got some uplifting and game-changing moments of joy. Overall he was still around 70% the Jota we know, but there’s enough wow factor there to warrant his presence.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 7.5/10 – Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones, Kurt Cobain…And Daizen – The 27 Club. And our greatest worst player ever does it again! And it’ll be the 28,29 and 30 Club he’s founding next Sunday… Just when you thought it wasn’t going to happen their keeper makes a blinding stop and Daizen appears from
nowhere to poke it in. Well, not nowhere – he was just completing a quick 10k by crossing their goal-line and the ball dropped in front of him.

May have had a hat-trick amid his torment of their defenders but in classic Daizen style defied the laws of the physical universe (and the metaverse) to squeeze the ball THROUGH the post from three inches out. And was then defied by the fingertip save of the game late on.

TAKINTE – 7.5/10 – The opening quarter of the game was all about The Kuhn. We used him incessantly and how we never carved anything out from his dynamism and sleek feet is a bit of a mystery.Thrilling movement and guile to set up one and nearly another few. Faded second-half as energy drained and Hibs doubled-up, but shall remain out most potent and unpredictable wide threat of the season.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

SUBS –

See more

MAEDA🔥💚🍀 🎵 pic.twitter.com/ENgnnFhYNl

— Christopher (@chriskennedy7) March 9, 2025

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 6.5/10 – Would you Luke at that? Few cumbersome touches then he clicked and impacted from the bench like Bruce Lee rocking up at Han’s goons’ birthday bash; Enter The McCowan. Scintillating link-up play to lay the second on a plate crowned his tie-sealing cameo.

YING – 6/10 – He couldn’t, could he? Eh, naw. Screwed his moment of glory wide; burd must have gone home. But he’s the effervescent sort that would walk smiling into a baseball bat to the face and he wasn’t down for long as he popped up gain to buddy with Luke and seal the deal.

DUNCAN IDAHO – 6/10 – One touch, one goal. ‘Game over, man. Game over…’ RIP Private Hudson.

Sandman’s Definitive Ratings continue on the next page…

THE NOTAPRODDYGAL – 7.5/10 – Played his strongest current team, resisting the temptation to be cute or controversial. Ruthless suits him best and back to the bench for Idah suited Celtic best. Calmac might be a worry – if he’s injured. If not, what’s going on Brodge? You’ll probably know the situation there before you read this; me, I’m writing it with further Guinness in mind and it’s the least-researched, most ill-informed but stunningly acute take on the game you’ll ever see… But do your own flaming extra-curricular digging, m’kay?

MIBBERY – 5/10 – Hmm, sneaky few incidents got us riled up; but thankfully came to nothing. Right at it with Hibs taking shies from anywhere they wanted on the park, and also let go an achilles-ripper on Reo that would have had the assailant sin-died at Mordror. However, they got the last-greet as they have all season to date, even accounting for the scandalous Easter Road shenanigans that had them in raptures for all of three hours.
Har-de-har.

OVERALL – 7/10 – Well, it was a festival of green and white under refreshing spring sunshine as seven thousand drug mules crammed in from Capital and lived in hope. And hope was all they had, ultimately. But it lasted quite a while as we failed to kill them off and stressed out the home legions with unusual passivity through the final quarter. Upon reflection, however, that was more akin to competent professional game-management; retaining possession, drawing them out, working their legs and running down the clock.

It just added an anxious edge to proceedings, it being a cup-tie thus the spectre of unwanted upheaval lurked in the strong shadows, hissing threats of extra time and shocking upsets…But despite us fluffing many lines, the late drama was ours to deliver. That we did, with a flourish, as the subs combined to bury the resolute Hibernians and spare us a dreaded junkie-choir rendition of ‘Sunshine On Meth’.

So onto the semis and wondering if we’ll draw the Zombies or see them in the final. Eh? What’s that, Lassie? They are stuck down a well and that’s where they’re staying because they need a good wash and they’re not going to be at Hampden anytime soon?

Well, I never…

Go Away Now

Sandman

Sign up and receive a free copy of Henrik Larsson’s new book…

More Stories / Latest News

Spirit of ’86 looms over Hearts Scottish Premiership title hopes

Apr 28 2026, 19:25

Three teams, one title, no clue to who wins Scottish Premiership

Apr 28 2026, 14:00

28th April – Five Memorable Celtic Moments on This Day

Apr 28 2026, 10:23