Sandman’s Definitive Festive Ratings – Celtic v Mutton Chops

SANDMAN’S DEFINITIVE FESTIVE RATINGS: CELTIC v MUTTON CHOPS…

“Fight to the last gasp.” – William Shakespeare.

THE FRIENDLY GHOST – 6/10 – Did fine, relatively speaking, when called into action. Which was mainly due to rocky defending. Couldn’t do much about ten men somehow managing to get anywhere near him, but probably thinks he could have saved the equaliser.

KATIE – 7/10 – Still on? Yep. And still there, ducking in at the back post like a hooped mongoose to steal what would have been the winner. KT making a habit of proving he’s still got the legs for the big moments deep in the game; well, in the last rites actually.

TONY THE TIGER – 6.5/10 – At least the new boss recognises the grafters. Making the most of his default selection until AJ re-appears for his old boss, we’re getting towards peak Ralston season, which should climax with the ceremonial decapitation of a Zombie on January third. Until then, more of this filthy reliability is what’s needed.

CRUSTY THE CLOWN – 7.5/10 MOTM – The Spy Who Came In From The Cold was the performance of Richard Burton’s life; looks like our Yank Who Came In From The Cold is edging towards the season of his life after starting it so far out of the picture his best hope was to sweep the cutting-room floor and glue the few best bits of his Celtic career together for a YouTube highlight reel that might get him a January move. He’s certainly warmed the support to him after surviving the serial-killing psychopath Rodgers’ deep freezer*. And doing so in the most trying of circumstances – an isolated solo centre-back position in an untried system under a sketchy new manager. You got to say he’s nailing it – pinpoint tackling, physical presence, inspiring and influential performances. Now looking like the lynchpin the side will be built around.

*diabolical traits may have been exaggerated.

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THE TERMINATOR – 6/10 – Have to credit the kid’s input – shifted around today seeking the killer ball; never found it but we saw a more potent consistency of delivery. Thing is, he’s one who could benefit from big Paulo sitting in alongside him and Calmac…

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Why was he forsaken? Paulo took some of the weight off his shoulders midweek, then has been banished once more to the dugout for… Reasons. At least he’s not evaporated like Reo. So Calmac bore with the detached dynamism of Arne while Negan roamed and the crowd bemoaned, and Luke kept popping up to jump-scare before getting lost again. It meant Calmac didn’t really have the total dominant control of the middle save for a spell in the first half but crucially suffered against their ten when they focussed on him with heelan’ hobgoblin Shinnie and tried to pickpocket continually. Then the last laugh was had as he burst into the box, supporting, and teed-up the legendary third. Once more – protect the skipper, win the game.

HIGHLAND TOFFEE – 5.5/10 – Anguish written on his own Richard Jobson face transplant as he sabotaged his good moments with uncharacteristically sloppy poor ones. Luke knows he’s got to make more of an impact or it’ll
be bench-warming onesies from Santa.

NEGAN – 6.5/10 – Would you believe it? Just as we imagined he’d been sussed as a lightweight, the embattled Frenchman throws him back into the mix and he comes up trumps. You could kick him into a crocodile-infested pool and he’s coming out with a handbag and shoes. So despite the wandering and frustration and often bemusing choices, Negan still carries that charmed knack of scoring when you need it. It makes you think we need to keep him around as some sort of lucky mascot; like a less-skilful Ronald McDonald.

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LORD KATSUMOTO – 6.5/10 – Lookout, sheep, it’s Daizen Daizenin’. Should have cut their throats himself but the blade of the samurai’s sword slipped past. Yet, once he got the spring on them they had no answer as he laid on the opener and didn’t relent in attempts to cause havoc thereafter.

YING – 5/10 – Not really going his way; fancy feet get tangled, cul-de-sac runs produce zip. But kudos for the mad-Korean-fluffy-wee-dug moment where his tenacity to win the ball back after wandering into trouble and losing it paid off for the opener. Still, Birmingyang is soon to depart these hooped realms and we’ll be sad to see him go… But not sad enough to realise three million bucks is some fool’s gold they deserve to be relieved of.

KENNY JOHNNY – 2/10 – Johnny Kenny. Johnny Kannae. Jesus Johnny H Khrist.

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SUBS –

FEIN – N/A – Once more, 20 minutes to find an impact. Enthusiasm always a good thing.

OF JUSTICE – N/A – On came Liam and the game was won. Fact. Haters, show me the bow…

MELLOW YELLOW – 6/10 – ‘Just watch what Tony does, kiddo…’ He did, and then he went and set up the winning moment with a wicked delivery for KT.

JAMESY – 17/10 – The Mhan. The Myth. The legend. The Leg-end; but that’s another story – some Prestwick fairytale about a third foot, or was it just a foot? Imperial measurements aside, we’re not waiting until the last kick of the last game this season, folks. The Christmas miracle occurred at nearly 5pm this December 21st and the Mhan For All Seasons struck to seal the deal as the Gorgie clock struck H-one. Jamesy pounced to slip it in as only he does best. Laid on by his skipper – one hall-of-famer to another. Raise your glass of mulled wine to the one and only… Prestwick Pele.

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LIONEL RICHIE – 6.5/10 – “Aye, but – he’s only wan wan oot ae five…”But it was the one he had to win, or bust… And with Big Paulo mysteriously overlooked after being one of Tannadice’s rare successes, I was fighting off a headache long before the ten men nearly filled in his P45…But he never signed-off on it thanks to the veteran salvage duo nicking two late goals and the boss got an eleventh hour (and 59 minutes, 59 seconds…) firing-squad reprieve, the likes of which not seen since George’s mad Uncle Rupert saved Captain Blackadder.

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‘We hit the post five times, I’ve never seen that in my life’

Wilfried Nancy after his side beat Aberdeen to earn his first win in charge at Celtic ⤵️#BBCFootball pic.twitter.com/GSz6b2wm46

— BBC Sport Scotland (@BBCSportScot) December 21, 2025

So reality once more plays out in a strange version of expectations – a requisite win, yes. Routine, no. Swashbuckling not really. Pleasing, ultimately. But…Convincing? Nowhere near it. Yet. What perplexing contradictions he’s faced with. What confusion. What surreal, existentialist paradoxes.

How very French.

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MIBBERY – 5/10 – Who put The Dick in charge? He must have been flaming seething all game knowing the hillbilly cousins had pumped his free range orangemen and ruined his family’s festive season. Almost made the red a moment of self-harm, and one he must have not regretted as those ten ewes threatened to inflict more embarrassment on the Champions. Then up popped the late, late show and the PTSD will have him choking on his bedfellow again tonight. Har-de-har.

OVERALL – 6.5/10 – Phew. That was edgy. More edging in those closing minutes than Jamesy puts a squad of Prestwick socialites through at one of his summer ‘barbecues’…The Sword Of Damocles swung like a pendulum over the Nancy Bhoy’s brief reign as the cacophony of anguish around the stadium ramped towards a catastrophic sacking symphony. Then the Hoops did what the Hoops do best, and clattered the cymbals twice to end the gig and bring the house down, the furore pierced only by cries of “Sacre flaming Bleu, merci Dieu!” from somewhere near the tunnel…

So the bandwagon creaks on through the fog of war, puttering, engine stuck in 2nd gear, somewhere the Marseillaise drones weakly. And the fans sit restless, because the standing ones are sat in their houses, and there’s a hush all round Paradise because it’s the weekend before Christmas, but all is not peaceful.

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🍀 Celtic secured their first victory in five under new boss Wilfried Nancy after a 3-1 win over 10-man Aberdeen, with James Forrest scoring in his 17th consecutive season ⤵️ pic.twitter.com/iGJ4d1Bl39

— Sky Sports Scotland (@ScotlandSky) December 21, 2025

Nobody’s getting what they want this year, because the Grinch took all the presents with him when he quit as chairman and the Frenchman will have to wait until January to see what budget the lazy devious elves that are left have for him to spend. For us, there’s the thrills and spills of winter wonderland trips to Livingston Park to play the dinosaurs and Fir Park to play the cavemen. All before the creatures from the primordial swamp come to Paradise to complete a pretty retro Christmas programme.

Some retro Celtic performances are what we really want from Santa, though, and with any luck this dramatic December day has cast the players’ minds back to Christmases past. When they all knew how to win. And be sure YOU have a good one, wherever you are.

Slainte!

Go Away Now

Sandman

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First speech at @CFC_Collective Protest today outside @CelticFC Park. pic.twitter.com/Ub2W1TuHRq

— The Celtic Star News Feed (@CelticStarMag) December 21, 2025

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Never in doubt… The Wilfball era is up and running 🍀

— Chris Sutton (@chris_sutton73) December 21, 2025

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Hi @CelticFCSLO Can you ask the club to look into the steward’s disgraceful treatment of this young fan when it’s clear that there were adults in the video who were not even spoken to who were closer to the pitch? The wee guys was visibly distressed.https://t.co/wPbnizPpwp

— Born (C)eltic (@born_celtic) December 22, 2025

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A massive thank you to #BhoysCeltic for organising their winter appeal in aid of our group 💚 we are absolutely overwhelmed by everyone’s generosity today before the game with Aberdeen.

This will go a long way to keeping those experiencing homelessness this winter warm 😊 pic.twitter.com/tujqLNwMCV

— The Invisibles (@Invisiblesthe) December 21, 2025

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